The Roots of Shame and Unworthiness
Growing up, I always believed that something about me was deeply flawed, broken, and damaged. I thought I wasn’t worthy of the same privileges that other people had in life. This belief was so ingrained in my heart and soul that it followed me well into adulthood, even as I achieved what many would consider success. Understanding the roots of anxiety from my childhood has been crucial in addressing my emotional health.
Childhood Struggles: The Physical Manifestation of Emotional Pain
As a child, I suffered from severe allergies and asthma, packing my pockets full of tissues and falling asleep in the back of the class from Benadryl. I was made fun of, my nose as red as Rudolph’s. Looking back, I realize that my caretakers likely had no idea that my physical suffering was tied to the emotional pain I carried inside. I was suicidal, thinking about ending my life because I was in so much pain, and there was nowhere for it to go. This is where the benefits of therapy for anxiety began to play a pivotal role in my healing journey.
Numbing the Pain: The Exhausting Performance of Being “Fine”
Fast forward to my early thirties, living in Manhattan with my loving partner, David. Despite being in a supportive relationship, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was inferior, that something was wrong with me. I numbed myself with alcohol, cigarettes, and the constant performance of being the life of the party. It was exhausting.
The Breaking Point: Anxiety, Depression, and a Wake-Up Call
When anxiety and depression hit me hard at 32, I couldn’t sleep. I went to the doctor and discovered I had high blood pressure. Obsessing over this diagnosis, I thought there had to be a physical problem causing my emotional and mental distress. I latched onto it, determined to figure out what was wrong with me. This period was marked by therapy as a lifeline during panic attacks, helping me navigate through my darkest times.
Facing the Shame: Confronting the Belief That I Was the Problem
The shame was the worst part. Everything in my life up until that point felt like my fault. I was told I was the only one with a problem, that everybody else was fine, but I wasn’t. I pushed myself harder, thinking I just needed to make more money to afford the help I would inevitably need.
The Catalyst: A New City, a Health Scare, and the Start of Healing
Moving to Los Angeles with David was supposed to be a fresh start, but the night before we left New York, I went out with a bang. The next day, in our new apartment, I started feeling dizzy and had chest pain. My blood pressure was 190/110, and I ended up spending my first night in LA in the hospital, being observed for a possible heart attack. This incident underscored the importance of emotional health and personal fulfillment in my journey.
The Journey Within: Discovering the Power of Vulnerability and Self-Love
That’s when my healing journey truly began. I found yoga teacher training, where for the first time, I was in a room with people talking about our feelings. I learned about meditation and that I wasn’t alone in my suffering. I got a coach who helped me advocate for my worth, and I found a therapist who helped me realize that I had childhood trauma that I had never processed. This journey illuminated the long-term effects of therapy on my emotional wellbeing.
Embracing My Truth: Honoring My Past and Rewriting My Story
I learned to love myself and honor my past, my truth, and my story. I grew my business by learning my worth and advocating for it. I got my work hours down to a fraction of what they once were, and my business grew to make me a million dollars a year. All of this happened because I went on my healing journey.
A Message of Hope: You Are Not Alone, and You Deserve to Heal
If you’re reading this and feeling like you’ve done everything right but still feel like something is missing, know that you’re not alone. If you’re trying to make everyone happy but not feeling happy yourself, I understand. You deserve to live a life that feels good, and it is possible for you.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing, Growing, and Creating a Life of Abundance
We need to heal and grow so we can honor our truth and express our needs. Once we do that, we can create a beautiful life full of abundance, breaking the cycle of generational trauma. I’m here to help you do just that. Together, we can break free from the shame, anxiety, and burnout that holds us back from living the fulfilling life we truly deserve.
