After a break, I felt ready to pick it up again and asked a writer friend of mine, “When is writing going to get a little easier? I like everything about it, but it’s just taking a long time for me to complete a project.”
My friend’s quite a bit more seasoned than I am, and she thought for a second before responding, “You know, I don’t think it ever really gets much easier—writing will always be challenging. We’re constantly learning, ever-evolving, and trying to make sense of what’s happening in our lives.”
I can’t even begin to count how many hours I’ve spent this past week writing but not getting far. But knowing that my process is a normal one, not only did I observe how much growth I’ve made as a patient creator, but I’ve also noticed something enjoyable about spending my week considering past events’ meaning after so much growth and healing.
Part of my time last week was spent going through my journal from the Summer/Fall of 2019. I’ve read several of my past journals, and while I hate playing favorites, this was the juiciest one yet.
It’d been almost two years since panic attacks kept me from driving, my business was making more money than it required, and I was knee-deep into yoga and reading tons of self-improvement books. I had been seeing my coach and therapist a couple of times each week, and David and I were also doing double sessions with our couples therapist. My journal reflects that the Summer/Fall of 2019 was a big awakening, and all around me, every sign was pointing me toward growth.
But I resisted what needed to be done—I had a couple of employees who no longer shared the same vision and needed to be let go, but I couldn’t do it. Boundaries needed to be set in personal relationships, but I couldn’t make them. I knew alcohol and marijuana were causing more harm than good, but I wasn’t able to choose long-term peace over short-term happiness, so changes weren’t made.
Deep down, while at the precipice of so much change—which was necessary to support what I needed—I resisted, remaining afraid that growth could alienate me from friends and family.
The agony went on for years while I tried to find the strength to make the required changes, and I got a little chuckle when I read the below excerpt from my journal—at least 2019 Matt knew what was going on while I stayed in my ways and tried to resist the inevitable.
