For the first six weeks of the year, I took better care of my body than I ever had for any extended period in my whole life. I didn’t drink alcohol or smoke marijuana. I had rules surrounding my nutrition, and I felt better than ever. While I haven’t fallen too far off the wagon, the more lackadaisical approach to my body’s care has been completely noticeable.
To be honest, I was pretty surprised to see how simple it was to abstain from alcohol and weed, and it was because there were rules. When we have rules, we don’t have to deliberate or spend precious time and energy on decision-making. When we’re not questioning our decisions, we don’t have the opportunity for guilt, shame, or disappointment. Essentially, my life was a lot easier when I had rules in place and simply did as I told myself I would.
I’ve had pain in my hamstring/knee/calf for the past year and just finally started physical therapy for it. There’s a 10-minute daily home exercise that I’m supposed to be doing, and with my halfhearted discipline, I’ve not consistently been doing it. Also, for the past couple of months, I’ve been drinking half decaf and half regular coffee, and I’ve not even noticed the difference, but on Monday, I slipped and did 90% regular.
The point here isn’t to live a highly disciplined life, but it’s to, in times of transition, look inward and really try to listen to what you need. To be really honest with myself, embarking on our surrogacy journey, I’m older than I expected to be, and I’m concerned about my health. It’s good now, but if I’m bringing a child into this world, I need it to be optimal for a long time. And in January, I was so proud of myself for prioritizing it, and I loved feeling consistent, sharp, and shameless.
The other point here is that while I’m not thrilled to admit it, I still struggle to take care of myself and prioritize the inner peace I so deeply desire, and I’m vulnerably willing to admit it to myself (and you).
Today, I’m starting back at therapy to discuss what I’d like to achieve and learn how to grow to meet my own needs. Last night, I was thinking how much different this will be from the previous times I started with a new therapist when it took me weeks to open up and become vulnerable. I’ve done it so many times now, and I know for certain I won’t be judged. He’s here to help, and I’m here to admit when I need help.
It’s been a year since I’ve been to a therapist. I didn’t stop for any reason other than that I felt that with all the coaching and tools I’d developed, it really wasn’t providing a high enough return on investment anymore. I knew I’d be back, and I think it’s important that we always consider the opportunity costs and ROI when committing our time to something.
I don’t know exactly where this will lead or what my objectives are other than wanting to discuss what I’ve identified as “what I need” to bring me inner peace and get feedback on how to proceed. I’m open to whatever comes from it, but I also want to note I’m not going to therapy because things are bad; I’m going because I believe things can be really, really good.
It’s admirable to want to grow, and getting help is part of growing. It takes a lot of strength to admit we want to be somewhere that we’re not and even more strength to admit we require help getting there.
Reach out if you have any comments or questions.
