Trauma is one of the biggest reasons we cannot step into the beautiful life that we’re meant to have. When we’ve been traumatized, we are afraid to take risks, afraid of setting boundaries, and afraid to stand up for what we really need for ourselves. We’ve been taken advantage of. We’ve been told, in many cases, that we aren’t worthy of things. It makes us afraid to say, “No, that’s not okay,” or “This is due to me.” This is incredibly consequential in our lives.
Impacts of Trauma on Our Lives
Trauma prevents us from living lives of abundance, from having the audacity to ask for what we deserve—for what we are owed—for what is a fair trade for our time, energy, and skills. Trauma prevents us from getting the job that we really want because we’re afraid to take risks. We hold ourselves back because we’re afraid to rock the boat. We’re afraid to ask for things because we’re worried we won’t be able to withstand the negotiation part. We’re afraid of conflict. Do you want to live a life that is far below what you’re meant to have for yourself? Do you want to constantly feel afraid to ask for what you know deep down is rightly yours?
Understanding Negotiation in Life
I was reading a book this past weekend called Never Split the Difference by an FBI hostage negotiator named Chris Voss, and I was struck by something he said. Voss emphasized that negotiation is part of life. It’s actually a healthy part of life. Many of us, like me, were afraid to really come to the table. I grew up in an environment where every time I asked for something, it turned into a huge blowout, leaving me feeling like something was wrong with me for having needs.
As I read this book, I was continuously surprised at how normal it was for conflict to arise and be resolved through empathetic and respectful conversation. Conflict was actually an opportunity for two people to educate one another on things they didn’t understand. By marrying their sets of facts, they could craft a decision that worked well for both parties.
The Power of Self-Advocacy
I’m currently going through some changes with my consulting business. As changes come, so does negotiation. I am taking a moment right now, taking many moments, to reflect on my progress. Ten years ago or even three years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to come to the table and advocate for myself the way I can today. This just shines a light on how much trauma resolution, healing, and personal growth have benefited all areas of my life.
I am able to take risks that I was never able to take before because I am okay with the outcome, even when it’s not what I expected. This growth forces me to look inward, to reflect on my past successes, and to have confidence in my skills and values. One of my biggest strengths is my empathy. I believe I have the ability to really see the hurt in people, to put myself in the underdog’s shoes, and to understand what it’s like to be them.
Generosity and Money
One of my favorite books, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware, teaches that money is here to dance with us. Money is an energy, not something to be hoarded. In my experience, the more generous I am, the more blessings come my way. Some people don’t know how to take care of others and will find themselves without help when they need it most. Are you the kind of person who wants to be remembered for being generous or negotiating someone down to the point where they’re feeling worthless? I choose generosity.
Embracing the Journey
I wanted to share explicitly how much my healing work has changed my life, how much risk I’ve learned to be able to take, and how to advocate for myself, knowing that whatever happens, it will be okay. Healing offers so many benefits. When you learn to advocate for yourself and take risks knowing that it will work out how it’s supposed to, it truly changes your life.
Your Journey Awaits
As you progress through your week, take these insights to heart. Set your boundaries. It won’t always be well-received, but the more you set them, the more aligned your life will become. Remember, things don’t always work out the way we want, but they work out as they are supposed to. Ask for help when needed and trust the process.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.
Matt
