You know when there’s something you want to change because you know it will make your life better, but you still don’t do it?
Well, I’m eating too many cookies.
And on the weekends, I’m also drinking more wine than would be optimal.
I’m observing my productivity and efficiency, and I know there’s room for improvement, but for the past few weeks, I’ve been stuck, letting sugar and alcohol keep me from living a better life.
I took the first six weeks of the year off from drinking and a couple of those weeks off from sugar, and let me tell you, life was beautiful without them. I slept like a rock and woke up feeling more rested than ever.
Even though drinking has been pretty mild since bringing it back into my life, I’m seeing that a few glasses of wine affect me more than it used to.
The cookies are a different story, and the frequency of them hasn’t been mild—in the past month, there have not been more than a couple of days that I haven’t had at least one, and I can feel the sugar affecting me.
But I keep eating cookies and still sip wine.
I was getting a little hypercritical of myself until I realized that a couple of cookies a day and a few glasses of wine over the weekend aren’t something the doctor would balk too loudly at, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s clearly keeping me from living a beautiful life like I was when I was taking stellar care of myself at the start of the year.
I’ve felt sluggish and haven’t slept through the night in a few weeks. I’m getting things done at a high caliber, but I know I could be doing better if I prioritized long-term happiness instead of the short-term joy I get from the chocolate chip brown butter cookies David keeps making.
Each night before bed, I read a chapter from A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. Earlier this week, there was one called “Changing Our Mind.” In it, she said, “Awareness alone does not heal us…” and that “We choose those patterns, however mistakenly…” and that if we want to change them, we, again, have to make that choice.
I was taken aback. I’ve been hoping, wishing, and praying for help in making changes, but Marianne Williamson said that changes won’t happen “without our willingness, because that would be violating our free will.”
I sat in bed, befuddled by this revelation. She went on to say, “The ego’s resistance to this [change] is intense. It wants us to think that an old dog doesn’t change.”
I read Eckhart Tolle’s books early in my healing journey, and his teaching about the ego didn’t make much sense to me at the time. I understood that the ego is necessary for us to be confident in life and to set boundaries, but it also needs to be tamed.
Marianne went on to say, “The ego is our pain, but it is what we know, and we resist moving out of it. The effort it takes to grow out of painful patterns often feels more uncomfortable than remaining within them. Personal growth can be painful, because it can make us feel ashamed and humiliated to face our own darkness. But the goal of personal growth is the journey out of dark emotional patterns that cause us pain, to those that create peace.”
I knew this—that even when we’re suffering, we’re in a familiar place, and familiarity is comfortable—but I didn’t know that’s what I am doing when I eat the cookies and drink the wine.
Honestly, I’m ashamed of myself. I don’t want to be someone who has to say, “Hi, I drink alcohol and sometimes regret it.” Or, perhaps less shame-provoking, “I’m eating cookies, and the joy lasts about 45 seconds, but the regret I feel lasts for days.” At least with the wine, the enjoyment lasts a few hours…
The thing is, there are a million other areas in my life where I exhibit discipline that’s way more difficult than putting down wine and cookies, so it’s not like I can’t do it.
I’m not exactly clear what part of prioritizing long-term happiness, when it comes to my health, is making me uncomfortable and why I still haven’t been able to make these changes, but Marianne helped me see what’s going on. My ego’s keeping me from making changes, and sharing this with you feels humiliating, but I think it’s important because I need to face my own darkness.
Even though I’m not where I want to be, I take care of my health a heck of a lot better than I did a year ago, and I remain committed to keep showing up vulnerably for my self-improvement.
How about you?
Are you where you want to be in life right now?
If you’re showing up every day, willing to work on yourself, making even the tiniest bit of effort and progress, you’re doing better than most and should pat yourself on the back.
Go ahead, do it—pat yourself on the back.
My biggest obstacle in life has been being too hard on myself. It was so bad, and literally the only thing I just couldn’t tackle because I couldn’t even see it, but it’s gotten so much better over the past year.
Writing about my inadequacies and sharing them with you has helped more than anything in 40 years of living, which is why I’m so committed to living vulnerably.
I don’t have all the answers, but I see that when I’m kind to myself, committed to growth, and welcoming of feedback and advice, the progress I’m making right now is happening faster and more beautifully than ever.
You don’t have to have all the answers either but be curious and remain open, and the path will appear.
None of us have life figured out, and the more we let our guards down, and share our feelings with our loved ones, the more progress we’ll make and the more pleasant our lives will be.
I love you, and thank you for allowing me to share my life with you.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
