For the longest time, I felt something was wrong with me—feeling broken inside. To cope, I kept myself busy and numb, and it worked pretty well until 2016, when I took the plunge into entrepreneurship.
Before being my own boss, career-wise, I was used to not feeling fulfilled in life. Here and there, I’d find satisfaction when rewarded for stellar achievements, similar to how I felt growing up—I felt most valuable when earning my keep.
When interviewing for jobs, changing companies frequently (which I did) was admonished, and it made me feel shameful—as if something was wrong with that, too. But I was trying to find a company that would reward me adequately for my stellar achievements.
I kept humming along, but when I started my business, I immediately needed to be courageous and confident. Simultaneously, my relationship with David was evolving into something much more profound, and growth became inevitable.
Life sends wake-up calls until we listen—of that, I’m certain. There were undoubtedly dozens before, but in 2016, my health took a nosedive, panic attacks hit hard, and depression became overwhelming. It was a clear signal to stop and listen.
Embarking on my healing journey, I uncovered childhood trauma that convinced me something was inherently wrong with me. Never discussed, never resolved, it festered in my mind and body. Panic attacks and health issues were the final call to listen, inquire, and heal.
While I rarely feel anxiety or depression now, occasional waves hit, especially with the current changes in my career, our family, and how I want to exist in this world. It’s manageable, but at the same time, I do seek relief from time to time and have to figure out how to deal with anxiety.
At the start of the year, the universe called me towards spirituality. I’m not entirely sure about my beliefs, but I don’t doubt there is a higher power. I recently met a man and then a woman in a business group I’m in who encouraged me to become closer to God. Since then, I picked up a book called You Are a Badass, and wouldn’t you just know? The author taught us that without spirituality, we will never achieve our highest potential. Then, at a dinner a couple of weeks ago, I met a new friend who told me to pick up Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love, so I did, and again, it’s all about trusting God, and I’m loving what I’m reading.
There have been half a dozen other synchronistic events in the past few weeks, and I’ve decided to lean all in to this higher power thing.
For the past few weeks, as I lay down to sleep and pray, I’ve been giving my problems to God. I used to think it was selfish to burden God (or anyone) with my problems, but I’m starting to realize that asking how to get help, even from a higher power, isn’t selfish.